Did I mention, I'm in Sales?

I was thinking today as I was closing the door of my Hummer, it used to take a lot less effort to close a $100,000 MRI sale than to close this door. As I walk into the house, I notice the sweet smell of bacon permeating the air. Funny I think, it's not Sunday my usual day to cook bacon. Today is actually Tuesday. Or wait, maybe it's Wednesday. I can't remember so I search for my Blackberry to check the day. Shoot, I can't find it. I'm sure that I just used it today or maybe it was yesterday. I wander to the couch and am surprised - hey, the sofa cushion is still warm. Oh yeah, I just left for a second to go to the convenience store to buy an enormously overpriced bottle of really cheap vodka. I go back to the kitchen, pour the vodka, add orange juice and convince myself adding the orange juice has just made it a healthy drink. I can feel my liver enlarging just thinking that thought. I return to the sofa and turn on the TV. Darn, I missed Dr. Oz on Oprah but hey, Ellen is on and her guest is Christina Applegate. Holy cow, there's a plant moving behind her on the set and it's shaped like a man. I think I've had too much to drink or maybe daytime TV really is something to be missed. The phone rings and interrupts the deep conversation I am having with myself. The caller ID says it's my mother. Voicemail? I haven't spoken to another living being all day. God, why can't my mother just sign up for Facebook? I decide to answer it. Big mistake. Her washing machine is broken and she asks to use mine. I tell her mine is also broke but actually I had to sell it a few weeks ago to make a car payment. Then she tells me she is worried that the moth on her window will eat a hole through her clothes. I ask her, "Have you ever seen a moth, ever, eating any piece of clothing? In your whole life? No, they are either stuck to a window trying to figure out why they can't get to the other side or flapping on a light bulb desperate to stay warm." I tell her to find a shoe and swing for the fence. Then I hang up the phone and doze off. I dream I am falling off a cliff and George Clooney is below with his arms out-stretched. He realizes I haven't sold anything all month and he lets me fall straight to the ground. The fall doesn't wake me up. Next I am spinning in my own washing machine that is now owned by a lovely drunk women who looks like she is living in a trailer park. She pulls me out of the machine and laughs so hard her belly splits open. 3 MRI's spill out of her belly and they ask me: "Are you ready to go back to work yet?"
The doorbell is ringing? I wake up and see that Fed Ex has left me a gift. I can feel the excitement well up inside me. I open it up. Crap, it's brochures from my company on a new product I'm supposed to be selling. Who can afford this I wonder? Suddenly I realize I can smell something and it smells like a poopie flavored lollipop or it's something that is dead. Maybe it's a dead rat trapped in a closet. I wander all around the house but I can't get any closer to the smell. I sniff some more and realize the smell is ME. Geez I wonder, when is the last time I showered? I have no idea so I pour myself another vodka and wait for the evening news. And oh, the news is bad. I raise my fists in the air and congratulate the commentators for spewing more economic upheaval. Comforted in my reality, I drift off to sleep.
I wake up with a terrible headache. Actually, my whole body hurts. I think it's from spinning in that washing machine. The door bell is ringing. It's a Sheriff. He hands me an eviction notice as he pinches his nose together. How rude, I think. And he's kind of fat. How could he possibly chase down any bad guys with all that blubber? The notice says I need alot of money to stay in this house. Actually, I'd just have to sell one, maybe two MRI's to pay it off. I stink. No literally. I have two choices? Pour myself a drink or take a shower and show the world I am better than this? I take a shower but I haven't decided, am I better than this?